I Love You So Much Dad

In my life, I've been lucky to meet several amazing, special people. The most special one is my foster dad. He was my uncle and my mom's close friend and I called him Dad Agung. He was a very spiritual person and I consider him as my spiritual guide. He guided me during difficult time and he was my sounding board, my pillar of strength, my guardian angel.

He met my real dad right before my real dad passed away, which for me was so symbolic. It's like a passing from one dad to another. He stepped in, comforted me, and when I asked him if it's okay for me to call him dad he immediately said yes. And he really was being an amazing dad to me in every way.

I leaned on him so much. He helped me to better myself spiritually, he helped me became a better person. He has such a gentle, kind, loving soul and spirit. He helped so many people and he was so loved. By his students, by his peers, by the people he helped.

Today, March 15, 2001 4.45pm Houston time (March 16, 201 4.45am Indonesia time), my dad passed away and started his journey to the other side. On Sunday, he got stroke and was admitted to ICU. This morning, Houston time, I talked to my mom and she was letting me know there's nothing else they could do as he's body started to shut down.  I went home right away and took the day off.

I love his smile.

My dad and me.

I cried, I prayed, and through my prayers, I let him know that as much as I am not ready to let him go, if it is his time I told him it's okay for him to leave and I pray that he could feel how much I LOVE HIM.

As much as my heart is breaking, I told God that I leave it up to Him, for His will to happen. I am thankful that I got to see my dad and spent some time with him when I was in Jakarta for Christmas. You know,  when I was planning my trip, I was worried about our finance and if I should go home or not. And, I told my mom, my heart was telling me if I didn't go home, I may regret it.

And, I am so thankful that God guided me to trust my heart and I went home. My time with him was priceless. I will cherish my time that I spent with him forever. We got to hang out, I will always remember how his eyes got so big when he ordered the cheesecake, how he joke around, how he always kiss me on my forehead when we say goodbye, how he helped us surprising my mom on her birthday. My only regret was that we didn't get to see movie together. He wanted to see Narnia and so was I, but due to one thing after another, we didn't get to do that.

Just two days ago, I saw Cath's post that has this beautiful poem. As I read this, I pray that God gives me strength and help heal my heart.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am in a thousand winds that blow,

I am the softly falling snow.

I am the gentle showers of rain,

I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,

I am in the graceful rush

Of beautiful birds in circling flight,

I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,

I am in a quiet room.

I am in the birds that sing,

I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave bereft

I am not there. I have not left.

 Kindred spirits.

My heart also goes out to his wife, my foster mom, who loves him so much. My heart breaks just as much for her loss. We all trying to accept that he is in better place now. I write this to honor him, to help me in my grief.

One thing I learn from him is to always trust in God. No matter what. I might not understand why he's being taken from us so early, all I know God has plan for him. For each of us.

Dad, I love you so much. So grateful for all your love, support, and guidance. You're among all the angels now and as much as I grief for my loss, I pray that you rest in peace. May your journey home be smooth and I send all my love for you. I will miss you so dearly. Love, love, love you so much. With all my heart. Thank you for blessing my life, for enriching my life with your presence. Love you always, your daughter.