Yesterday, I had to make one of the hardest decision I ever have to make. We said goodbye to our pug, Ollie. To many people, a dog is just a dog. That's definitely not the case in our family. In our family, our dogs are our kids. So, to have to make that decision of life and death was painful.
I had Ollie since she was only 8 weeks old. She was my very first puppy that truly belong just to me. I grew up always having dogs, but Ollie was the first that I got to choose and really mine. She taught me how to be a mom, to be responsible for another being. I remember preparing myself and learned about pugs as much as I could before I decided to get her.
She was feisty and bossy. But, she is such a loyal companion. Besides my family, she's the only being that never let me down. Always there for me trough the good and the bad. When I went through the lowest point in my life and feeling all alone, she was there. She's the reason I got up in the morning. When I thought of giving up and move back to Indonesia, she's my reason to stay, because I wouldn't want to leave her behind. If I hadn't stay, I wouldn't have met hubby.
When I met hubby, he had 2 dogs, Hank, a yellow lab & Nick, a sheltie. And, everything just clicked. Hubby loves Ollie like his own. I mean, he truly loves Ollie with all his heart. And, Nick, who was a rescue never wanted to play with other dog, met Ollie, and he was prancing asking Ollie to play that even hubby was astonished.
|Nick & Ollie - spring 2009|
Ollie shared my life for over 15 years. She was my brave, strong girl. Even when she was hurt, she didn't whine. I had all kind of funny stories about her. One of my favorite, was this one time when I was in my craft room and hubby was in his man cave and next thing we knew, we heard this noise... clunk, clunk, boink. We're both like what the heck is that? And, next thing we know here comes Ollie:
Yep, caught red handed. She was checking through the trash can and somehow got the lid on her and she was walking out of our bathroom with that lid. Her antiques like this always made me laugh.
I always think pugs are the cutest and I always said Ollie was so photogenic. I am her mom, so I can say that. :) For Halloween in 2010, I got her this costume because I thought it matched her personality. This li'l red devil costume was totally perfect for our sweet trouble maker.
She loves the sun. On sunny days, she likes to go outside and lay on the grass sunbathing. Like this. She looked so happy, didn't she? I just love this pic.
This past year, she lost weight drastically. On her healthiest time she was 25 pounds. By the time we had to let her go, she only weighed 12.8 pounds. She had arthritis that causing her to loose strength on her back legs. There's time where it just broke my heart when she just suddenly slip as she walks. She was going through cognitive issue (like Alzheimer in human), chronic arthritis and about three weeks ago we found out that she also had gal bladder. Between the two weeks period of visits to the vet, she lost another pound.
The vet gave her 2 kinds of pain medicine and he also prepared us that it may be kinder to let her go as just looking at her posture and the way she walked he could see that she was in pain.
On Friday morning, when we did our usual 3a.m cleaning routine, I saw her slipped, pooped (she no longer can control her bowel movement, her nerves causing her to loose sense), and struggling to get up. I had to help her to stand up. That scene really broke my heart. It pained me to see her like that. It's also been over a year where she couldn't go up and down the stairs. We always have to carry her.
We decided to call Last Wishes In-Home Hospice & Euthanasia. For second opinion and also, we decided that if it's time for Ollie to go, we want her to be comfortable, at her home, with us her family around her. Dr. Cornelius helped us with our decision. She was compassionate and she helped me in making the decision.
Hubby left the decision completely in my hand, because she's mine to start with. I went back and forth, yes and then change my mind again. How do you decide that's it's time to let your love one go??? It's when the vet said that if I want to delay I should take no longer than a week as so not to let her continue to be in pain that with heavy heart I decided to do it. It'll be different if she said she still has six months or a year to have decent life.
Dr. Cornelius was so gentle with her. When we decided to go ahead with our decision, a band start playing on the park behind our house and the words that stick in my mind was take a piece of my heart with you. Yes, she took a piece of my heart with her.
We went outside as Ollie loved the sun. I cradled her in my arms. We sat in front of the flower bed where we buried Hank & Nick. We have this Buddha statue there and the whole scene was just peaceful. The weather was gorgeous, the sun was shining brightly. Dr. Cornelius sedated her first. And during that 8 minutes, I kept whispering to Ollie of how much I love her, how she's my first kid, for her to wait for us on the other side. I told her that I pray Hank & Nick are meeting her at the rainbow bridge and they all can play together now. Running free, no pain.
I just keep repeating myself that I love her, for her to forgive me for all my mistakes, that I will never ever forget her. I kissed her repeatedly. Hubby kissed her repeatedly. Once she's sedated, Dr. Cornelius gave her the final injection. I kept touching her. Looking at her. I want to memorize every single piece of her. I physically felt as if someone took my breath away.
I know it's the humane thing to do, the kind thing to do. But, saying goodbye to your baby is heartbreaking. I am heart broken. Yes, I know time will heal the pain. Right now, I just want the world to know how much I love this fur ball that gave me so much love. Right now, I am mourning the loss of my spunky girl.
Rest in peace my baby girl. Know you are loved always. You will always have a special spot in our heart. I love you. Your daddy loves you. Your daddy always say you're daddy's girl. You are ours and we are yours.